Human Car Wash

People need bathing. Hospital patients need bathing too and to speed up this process, may we suggest the Human Car Wash? The HCW eliminates slipping and falling because the washees are strapped into a hanging harness and merely need to stand or dangle in a fixed position while the conveyor belt moves them from station to station. First the wetting station, then the soapy spray station, next the rinsing station and at the end, no towels are needed because there's a blow drying station!

Developed in 1969 during the cold war, the inventor suggests the Human Car Wash can be built into a mobile trailer "to cope with the mass bathing requirements after an atomic bomb". Boom-shaka-laka-laka.

Laser Twister

How can you combine golf practice and golf exercise into one easy motion? With the Laser Twister training aid. The idea is simple… you have an elongated padded tube with a laser beam attached to each end. On the ground, you have a reflective pad that's your own little laser beam superhighway. To use; fire up your lasers and begin twisting your torso, while minding to keep your lasers beam traveling down your mini-highway's center line. This twisting is supposed to build muscle memory and if you add weights, it will build muscle without the memory.

You may quickly tire of twisting the light fantastic but don't stop or you'll disappoint your pets, they love chasing laser lights!

Life Expectancy Watch

And now, something special for all of you clock watchers out there… The Life Expectancy Watch! Our inventor says; "Life expectancy has been a major concern of people throughout the ages. Insurance companies routinely develop and publish actuarial tables to indicate the average lifespan of certain people in specified groups. This actuarial table data is based on a number of factors, such as overall health of the individual, whether a person smokes cigarettes, consumes excessive alcohol, and genetic factors such as family histories of known diseases and recorded lifespans." End quote.

Yep, that's right, this Life Expectancy Watch actually counts backwards, keeping you apprised of your forthcoming expiration date! You initially program the watch by answering a series of questions about your lifestyle such as exercise, disposition, food consumption and alcohol and tobacco use (big negatives, kids!). Living a healthy lifestyle? This watch has an on/off button so you can stop it temporarily while you engage in a healthy activity (e.g. taking a walk, cleaning the closet, etc.)

But wait, there's more! Your remaining time is conveniently displayed in years, months, days and hours and an audible alarm can be set to remind you of your impending doom. Bottom line… if your therapy bills just aren't high enough, you need to buy this watch. Better hurry, time is running out!

Lightning Ribbons

Are you a fair weather golfer, only duffing on sunny days? Or, are you willing to brave a few meager raindrops in order to whack the ball around? Or, it could be you just occasionally get caught in a fast moving storm. No matter what the reason, if you are on the golf course in the rain, remember this; where there's rain, there could be lightning and guess what? You're a moving target! Standing under a tree, an umbrella or sitting in a golf cart will greatly increase your odds of staying dry… and getting toasted by lightning. But not to fear, my dear, Lightning Ribbons, suitable for both carts and umbrellas, are designed to allow you to stay dry and keep your eyeballs from lighting up.

When rain approaches, just reach for the top of your cart or umbrella and unfurl the electrically conductive ribbons. The ribbons hang to the ground, so when lightning strikes, all of the dangerous electricity is directed safely around you, back to Mother Earth. So far, so good. But here's the rub; where there's rain, there's usually wind, and we're not so sure that one of those ribbons won't blow up into your lap, just as Zeus decides to toss another one. Now that's gotta hurt.

Tabletop Golf

If you think playing ping pong makes you a better tennis player, than we have the golf invention for you…Tabletop Golf ! The inventor states that some novice golfers cannot control a standard length club. Heck, we know several seasoned players afflicted with that condition.

The idea behind Tabletop Golf is to have beginners start off by swinging with very short, easy to control clubs, whacking the ball off of the fake grass swathed launching pad as they learn to manage their swing. As the new duffer improves, he progresses to slightly longer clubs and lowers the adjustable table top to accommodate the new club. This exercise continues until our novice-no-more has mastered swinging a full size club and is ready to play with the adults. And, in the interest of recycling, your training table makes the perfect ant-free indoor picnic TV tray

Sponge Bob Foot Pads

Are you tired of the dull finish on your freshly mopped floors? Air dried floors may be clean, but the air drying can cause that oh-so-dull, anti-shine look that moppers of the world despise. But now you can shuffle your way to a shiny shine with the fabulous floor drying Sponge Bob Foot Pads! That's right, lose the shoes and strap on your funny foot pads and as you mop, you dry. These flawless footpads may work well in the privacy of your own home, but we're not ready to see Big Bob, the building super, barefoot and swishing around our office building's lobby.

Sky Skier

Time to rack up some more frequent flyer miles, but forget using the prerequisite airplane and instead strap-on your Sky Skier, bat wings for slope seekers. You have to travel up the mountain in a normal fashion via lifts, gondolas or helicopter, but coming down, well hang on tight, it's going to be a wild ride! Oh, it all looks so innocent enough on the way up. Sure you have a geeky harness strapped to your midsection and sure your poles are fat with fabric, but when you get to the summit, it's time to unfurl your poles, clip the pole handles to your harness and make like a bird, or maybe just a hopping bird since flying high is definitely hazardous to your health.