Human Car Wash

People need bathing. Hospital patients need bathing too and to speed up this process, may we suggest the Human Car Wash? The HCW eliminates slipping and falling because the washees are strapped into a hanging harness and merely need to stand or dangle in a fixed position while the conveyor belt moves them from station to station. First the wetting station, then the soapy spray station, next the rinsing station and at the end, no towels are needed because there's a blow drying station!

Developed in 1969 during the cold war, the inventor suggests the Human Car Wash can be built into a mobile trailer "to cope with the mass bathing requirements after an atomic bomb". Boom-shaka-laka-laka.

Laser Twister

How can you combine golf practice and golf exercise into one easy motion? With the Laser Twister training aid. The idea is simple… you have an elongated padded tube with a laser beam attached to each end. On the ground, you have a reflective pad that's your own little laser beam superhighway. To use; fire up your lasers and begin twisting your torso, while minding to keep your lasers beam traveling down your mini-highway's center line. This twisting is supposed to build muscle memory and if you add weights, it will build muscle without the memory.

You may quickly tire of twisting the light fantastic but don't stop or you'll disappoint your pets, they love chasing laser lights!

Life Expectancy Watch

And now, something special for all of you clock watchers out there… The Life Expectancy Watch! Our inventor says; "Life expectancy has been a major concern of people throughout the ages. Insurance companies routinely develop and publish actuarial tables to indicate the average lifespan of certain people in specified groups. This actuarial table data is based on a number of factors, such as overall health of the individual, whether a person smokes cigarettes, consumes excessive alcohol, and genetic factors such as family histories of known diseases and recorded lifespans." End quote.

Yep, that's right, this Life Expectancy Watch actually counts backwards, keeping you apprised of your forthcoming expiration date! You initially program the watch by answering a series of questions about your lifestyle such as exercise, disposition, food consumption and alcohol and tobacco use (big negatives, kids!). Living a healthy lifestyle? This watch has an on/off button so you can stop it temporarily while you engage in a healthy activity (e.g. taking a walk, cleaning the closet, etc.)

But wait, there's more! Your remaining time is conveniently displayed in years, months, days and hours and an audible alarm can be set to remind you of your impending doom. Bottom line… if your therapy bills just aren't high enough, you need to buy this watch. Better hurry, time is running out!

Lightning Ribbons

Are you a fair weather golfer, only duffing on sunny days? Or, are you willing to brave a few meager raindrops in order to whack the ball around? Or, it could be you just occasionally get caught in a fast moving storm. No matter what the reason, if you are on the golf course in the rain, remember this; where there's rain, there could be lightning and guess what? You're a moving target! Standing under a tree, an umbrella or sitting in a golf cart will greatly increase your odds of staying dry… and getting toasted by lightning. But not to fear, my dear, Lightning Ribbons, suitable for both carts and umbrellas, are designed to allow you to stay dry and keep your eyeballs from lighting up.

When rain approaches, just reach for the top of your cart or umbrella and unfurl the electrically conductive ribbons. The ribbons hang to the ground, so when lightning strikes, all of the dangerous electricity is directed safely around you, back to Mother Earth. So far, so good. But here's the rub; where there's rain, there's usually wind, and we're not so sure that one of those ribbons won't blow up into your lap, just as Zeus decides to toss another one. Now that's gotta hurt.

Tabletop Golf

If you think playing ping pong makes you a better tennis player, than we have the golf invention for you…Tabletop Golf ! The inventor states that some novice golfers cannot control a standard length club. Heck, we know several seasoned players afflicted with that condition.

The idea behind Tabletop Golf is to have beginners start off by swinging with very short, easy to control clubs, whacking the ball off of the fake grass swathed launching pad as they learn to manage their swing. As the new duffer improves, he progresses to slightly longer clubs and lowers the adjustable table top to accommodate the new club. This exercise continues until our novice-no-more has mastered swinging a full size club and is ready to play with the adults. And, in the interest of recycling, your training table makes the perfect ant-free indoor picnic TV tray

Sponge Bob Foot Pads

Are you tired of the dull finish on your freshly mopped floors? Air dried floors may be clean, but the air drying can cause that oh-so-dull, anti-shine look that moppers of the world despise. But now you can shuffle your way to a shiny shine with the fabulous floor drying Sponge Bob Foot Pads! That's right, lose the shoes and strap on your funny foot pads and as you mop, you dry. These flawless footpads may work well in the privacy of your own home, but we're not ready to see Big Bob, the building super, barefoot and swishing around our office building's lobby.

Sky Skier

Time to rack up some more frequent flyer miles, but forget using the prerequisite airplane and instead strap-on your Sky Skier, bat wings for slope seekers. You have to travel up the mountain in a normal fashion via lifts, gondolas or helicopter, but coming down, well hang on tight, it's going to be a wild ride! Oh, it all looks so innocent enough on the way up. Sure you have a geeky harness strapped to your midsection and sure your poles are fat with fabric, but when you get to the summit, it's time to unfurl your poles, clip the pole handles to your harness and make like a bird, or maybe just a hopping bird since flying high is definitely hazardous to your health.

Slingshot Golf

Golf is steeped in tradition; manicured lawns, dimple balls, sporty hats and silly looking pants, but our innovative inventor says fore…gettaboutit ! It's time to modernize the sport, update it a little. Bad drives, endless practice and little wooden tees are a thing of the past in decidedly eccentric, Slingshot Golf.

Designed to be used on a conventional golf course, this super sized ball slinger converts to a standard putter once you've reached your hole. But be careful, aim too high and you may shoot a bird instead of a birdie.

Smell This

P.U., what's that smell? Is malodorous breath offending your friends? It seems that people with the worst breath are usually clueless to their gaseous gaff. So how can you tell if your breath is smelly, besides waiting to see if it curls your friend's eyebrows? With the attractive, new "Smell This" breath mask!

The instructions are simple; place the mask on your face, then breathe out through your mouth and breathe in through your nose. Whoa! Who let the dogs out?? Better grab some mints fast!

Smokers Hat

Smoking, who needs it? Well, apparently the millions of people worldwide who still partake in burning tobacco sticks. But smoking causes health problems and smelly clothes for those nearby, not to mention the thousands of smokers forced to stand out on the sidewalk because they can't smoke at work. So our inventor says, if you can't beat them, smoke 'em and he invented the function-before-form, Smokers Hat!

In a nut shell, the battery powered Smokers Hat sucks up the cigarette's smoke and filters it, deodorizes it, ionizes it and spritzes a fresh scent near the exhaust fan before it spits it back out. There are even a couple of built-in cig pack holders (#40) and a nifty visor that's appropriately tinted smoky. What you can't see in the illustration is the cigarette clip that's mounted inside the visor and dangles your desire in front of your lips, allowing both hands to be free to do what they will. From a design standpoint, we think the side view is worthy of a fab, mid-century hillside home but as a hat, the vogue verdict is in, and severe penalties will be enforced.

Samsung Impact sf

General	2G Network	GSM 900 / 1800
	Announced	2008, June
	Status	Coming soon

Size	Dimensions	89.9 x 46 x 18.7 mm
	Weight

Display	Type	CSTN, 65K colors
	Size	128 x 160 pixels, 1.77 inches

Ringtones	Type	Polyphonic
	Customization	Download
	Vibration	Yes

Memory	Phonebook	Yes
	Call records	30 dialed, 30 received, 30 missed calls
	Card slot	No
		- 4 MB shared memory

Data	GPRS	Class 10 (4+1/3+2 slots), 32 - 48 kbps
	HSCSD	No
	EDGE	No
	3G	No
	WLAN	No
	Bluetooth	No
	Infrared port	No
	USB	Yes, v2.0

Features	Messaging	SMS, MMS
	Browser	WAP 2.0/xHTML
	Games	Yes + downloadable
	Colors	Black
	Camera	No
		- Java MIDP 2.0 - FM Radio & Recording - Changeable Front Cover - T9 - Organizer - Built-in handsfree

Battery		Standard battery, Li-Ion
	Stand-by	-
	Talk time	-

Sled Pants

Snow Boarding is all the rage. Surfing down the slopes is a great way to enjoy the snow and look cool. But what if you're a bit of a klutz and just can’t keep your balance on a Snow Board? Is it still possible to have some winter fun and be a babe magnet? If you are wearing these Sled Pants then the answer is an emphatic yes! The Sled Pants are ergonomically engineered to fit your posterior. When your are ready to hit the slopes, simply reach behind you and fold down the leg support portion of your pants. Aim yourself downhill and sit down . Oh, and make sure you wear your Sled Pants when you have lunch at the Ski Lodge.

T3 - The Bionic Golfer

Strap yourself in and hang on tight… it's going to be a wild ride! No gentle guidance from a golf pro with this device. The T3 Bionic Golfer grabs and holds your shoulders, arms, waist and legs, giving it total control over your girly golf swing. The T3 is designed to help you improve your swing with firm guidance and features a hip gripping padded saddle and a vest with a rigid back plate.

So make your move, back up and lock-in to the T3. Now go ahead and try to relax during your swing, we dare you. And that swing better be good, or you may just be locked into this thing until you get it right!

Spoon Truss

Kids need to get a grip. Well at least when they are a tad on the wee side and still learning to eat with the proper mastication utensils (at least proper in western cultures). Ever had a tot? If you had a penny (no, make that a dime) for every time you had to pick up that darn spoon and place it back in juniors little wiggly hand, you could change your last name to Trump, no, make that Gates.

But if you had the Spoon Truss, you would be a little poorer but far less weary since the spoon is lashed to the wrist of the offender. Still got issues? Hey, no one said this invention would make them actually use the spoon.

Lip Clip

Way back in 1924, an early adapter of facial fashion named Hazel developed the latest in technology for reshaping the lips. The upper lip to be specific. As Hazel tells it, the Lip Clip is…"a simple and easily applied device to re-shape the upper lip of a person to conform to what is known as the "Cupid's Bow", whereby it is unnecessary to resort to a surgical operation to produce this effect."

We're guessing that Cupid's Bow is that small indentation just under your nose. And, that in 1924, having a deep lip groove was considered groovy, much like the balloon lipped collagen craze of the 90s. Hazel never tells us how long you had to wear her spring loaded lip clamp to achieve Cupid's Bow bliss, but we're thinking any length of time is much too much.

Light Bulb Changer

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It's a hardware issue.

Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the light bulb has to really want to change.

Q: How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nun

Light bulb jokes, there are a million of them. Why? Because as everyone knows, it takes one person to change a light bulb... that is, until now. Our inventor must have heard one too many jokes so he decided to create the world's most complicated machine for one of the world's most simple tasks. With multiple motors, cams, springs, wires and about a million moving parts, this bulbous bulb changer looks about as complex as the instrument panel of a 747. The inventor also mentions that this crazy contraption can double as a table lamp. A lovely lamp indeed. A great conversation piece that you will just love to dust.

Leaf Chaps

According to our inventor; "Collecting and gathering leaves that have fallen to the ground has proven to be a time consuming lawn and yard chore, especially in the geographic locations that are characterized by a preponderance of deciduous trees and shrubs that drop their leaves in the fall season". Well, we think it's time for all deciduous owners to stand up and unite, to stand up and pull on a pair of fancy web laced Leaf Chaps!

With the ingenious Leaf Chaps, now you can become the suburban leaf wrangler that you've always dreamed of, scooting along, shuffling your way to a clean yard. Hey, how about making a miniature pair for the kids so they can quickly clear the toy strewn floor?

Hot Head

Hair loss can be devastating. Baldness can cause lack of self esteem and make you look years older. So every year, zillions of dollars are spent on hair restoring products and devices. Now you can stop pulling your hair out looking for a naked head solution because we've found a sure fire way to restore hair. It's called the Hot Head and the idea behind it is simple; steam your head clean, add restorer and squish it into your scalp with highly compressed air. That's right, we said steam your head! To use the Hot Head, fire up your steam generator, pop on your steam helmet, making sure the sealing ring is on tight, then open the valve and sit back and relax, that is, if you can.

Hot steam is jetted through the inlet metal pipes to the Hot Head and then into your scalp. There's no need to sweat the details because the Hot Head is completely automatic. Next, restorer is sprayed on your unadorned dome and then highly compressed air forces restorer into your scalp via the Hot Head pneumatic compressor. Some people have argued that this thing will never work so let's just hope cooler heads prevail.